i dont think i have ever been to this spot before in my life. its an uncomfortable and unfamiliar feeling that is eating me alive. all i feel like doing is crying but yet theres no tears left inside. i hate the way i feel and i just want to be happy. Anyone can fake a smile like i have been doing lately. Happiness is deeper then just the smile on my face. I dont even know what that feeling is anymore. its hurts to think about the pain. Am i just that stupid that i continuously set myself up for disappointments? Are my dreams really that unrealistic that they wont ever be accomplished? ...maybe my expectations are too high..That could explain why i am never satisfied. Even when i get what i want i always want more ...more more more. Its like no matter what i am not completely happy. Depression is not the point in which im feeling...when i bottom out thats when you can say im depressed but until then...lets just go say im sad, confused, hurt, abused, used, i have pain...but for you i will fake a smile everyday.to keep you out of what i am really feeling... To show no one my weaknesses. Im not as strong as i pretend to be...

I just want to know the feeling, i want to be familiar with HAPPINESS! i want to love, and laugh, and be free from all the things that hurt. I have pushed the most important people in my life away from me. i put up a wall and its made of diamonds only another diamond that can cut through.

I have changed so much that i have become a stranger to myself. I dont know that i am proud of who i am or if i am even fully aware of the changes. I have lied, been lied to, hurt, and been hurt, and disappointed, i've let go, and lost, learned, and failed. I have let down people and grew apart from others. I have grown...in to the person i never thought i would be. I have a soul, a heart to love, and a mind that doesnt always have the answers. I do my best  and it gets me through my days...But thats exactly it- it just gets me through...

Now i dont know where i am going, hell i dont even know what i am looking for...BUT believe me when i find it you will be the first to know.

Im sick of hearing that its about keeping yourself together when everyone expects you to fall apart...what about falling apart when everyone expected you to stay put together....or tripping over your own feet when your going now where...the question i ask myself is who is there to pick me up? Whos there when nothing in this world seems right, when i cant look back, but im scared to look forward...for some reason the same person always comes to mind and its YOU!

Now i can lay in bed all night long and analyze every detail, and i can think everything out, and nothing is ever REALLY that bad. Compared to what someone people have dealt with, i just feel like this world that i surround myself is crumbling ...or maybe i am just growing out of what i once referred to as home...my place of comfort.i FEEL smothered. I'm suffocating.... 

PERFECT DOESN'T FEEL SO PERFECT ANYMORE

XOXOXO